mt180: mt180: gender is a lie

gender /d̠ʒɛn.dəɹ/ (or something idk ask a linguist)
is a social construct that describes... something. about some people. . . . let me try that again
it's a culturally understood tool for describing expectations of people based on existing attributes. this isn't really right either but it's as close as i have been able to get so we are running with it

notably, this tool does nothing to describe people only expectations of people. this is more akin to music genres than [generic explicit categorization tool] // "oldskool breakcore" does not, in fact, necessarily mean there will be jamaican guys shouting at you, but it is more likely than in some other genres

for the purposes of this post, gender and sex are distinct (though not entirely distinct) things: gender is the above-described tool, sex is that other [also hard to define (link to a page on the gender dysphoria bible)] thing that we'll pretend is intuitive enough to move on from

part 1: mt180

i was born at some point, like all the other things walking around on this ball in 3d space; when i was born (and, indeed, probably some time before i was born), some people with degrees decided i was male, as determined by some physical attributes presented on my body. this was not incorrect! they had correctly identified my sex | i have no qualms with this. for the next ~13 years of my life, the consequences of being born with that sex were largely inconsequential. this is not to say i didn't often fantasize about it having been another way / about not having been born with the body i had / about having been perceived another way : instead, i mean to say that the body i had wasn't actively uncomfortable

so: puberty hates me and i hate puberty. this sounds like the whining of a 13 year old child but it's actually the whining of an 18 year old child. the difference between me and 13 year old me is that i actually know how unpleasant the repercussions of puberty are. now all i have to do to hate everything and dissociate is speak and notice that i am speaking. i am now also horribly tall (like 6 foot smth idk/idc) and have all those other things that come with the presence of androgens in the body. woe is me! this compounds with other things i haven't really written about publicly (but i probably will at some point) regarding furriness and phantom sensation | you ever struggle to get into a comfortable position in bed? ok now just imagine that but all the time

part 2: mt180 (bad future)

i generally don't really like talking about myself all that much. this implies i have a reason for doing so this time ; i do! i will first tell a story to illustrate my intentions:
i have been raised in a household which is not particularly accepting of what is deemed to be abnormality. they claim they have no problems with transgender people. i can't disprove this! but i can say this claim does not hold for those who they know. it also does not extend to groups they don't understand. enter: one of my mother's siblings. this person is (or maybe was, i know annoyingly little about this because i have no personal contact and nobody else is really able or wanting to speak with them) genderfluid, and came to the conclusion that this is true after first trying out being a trans woman. during that first transition, most of the family was generally disapproving but at least able to "cope" (like it matters to them, lol). then came genderfluidity, which is a concept that literally nobody over the age of 20 in my family is able to understand. now this person has contact with exactly zero allies in their family. i don't think the family actually hates them, but it's surprisingly hard to tell
a detail of this story that i have neglected to tell is that these phases of transition came after meeting with a counselor/therapist following the loss of their father not long after joining the military (air force, cybersec (iirc)). apparently this family does not allow you to find out anything about yourself while in a time of distress or while in a new environment. very cool!

as of writing (december 2024), i intend on going to college after i graduate high school at the end of this school year. this will also mark me moving out of my parents' house. this means i will have left their intolerance behind and will have an opportunity to be myself. functionally this means i get to stop role-playing and start living. you could also see this as me reaching the end of the world's most boring unskippable cutscene. i hate real life's cutscenes
this also means i will get to hear such wonderful claims and accusations as "college made my son trans!" which is simultaneously fucking hilarious and also catastrophically misled. you can probably also infer all of their other beliefs from that sentence alone. this post serves as me coming out about future me coming out so i can discredit these claims

as clearly as possible, for anyone i have to share this with after my transition, whenever that may be:
i was already trans, and nobody but myself is the cause

part 3: multi tasker801

can you smell that? i can smell it from miles away: bullshit. but not just any bullshit, it's bullshit of the misguided, distasteful type. my favorite
i anticipate being told the following: "trans people usually show signs of it when they are young". dissecting this claim for my case comes with layers!

0. "usually" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence and it's still misled and arguably incorrect
1. this claim implies its inverse: "people who aren't trans usually show signs of not being trans when they are young". i did no such thing. i did not behave in a masculine or feminine way. i simply behaved in a way ; i.e. i played with the toys i had and i participated in the activities that were fun with the people i had
2. my fursona (the earliest version of which i drew in elementary school), which you may or may not know about if i had to send this to you in the future, was female. at first i drew her as a joke, but i later realized i had some kind of connection with this drawing and i wanted to be, no, felt i should be like the character it depicted. i disposed of the drawing when i realized this because i had learned from the family and friends i had at the time that furries and trans people (which i did not have the terminology for at the time) were somehow reprehensible
3. the unprovable and undisprovable: i routinely fantasized (and still do!) about being a girl. for aforementioned reasons, and because blurting out your fantasies is looked down upon, i never divulged these to anyone. "normal" people generally don't do this!

part 4: this is the crazy frog

as it stands, i'm like 95% sure i'm a trans woman. it'd be very cool if i could remove the trans part and just be a woman, but apparently that isn't possible so i will have to live with what i've got. that's ok. i already have plenty of experience living with literally the wrong thing. could be worse, i guess

as i wrap this up, i'll note there are more anecdotes for me to unearth and more elements for me to tie in. this is likely not the end!

and allow me to restate my purpose:
i was already trans, and nobody but myself is the cause

gender is a lie made up by big pharma

to sell more hormones

and surgeries and shit

AND I'M FUCKIN FALLIN FOR IT BABYYYYYY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

part 0: gender

part 1: mt180

part 2: mt180 (bad future)

part 3: multi tasker801

part 4: this is the crazy frog